Courageous Steps: Time Out For...

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My Truth ~ My Childhood

From what I've been able to piece together, I stopped crying as an infant because I would get smothered, hit or pinched. My mother has an untreated borderline personality disorder and was physically and verbally abusive. My father, who was narcissistic, slowly drifted out of my life and was verbally and physically abusive to my mother and I. They divorced when I was 3 or 4.

At about 4-5 years old my mother got involved with a man who would become my step-father. He and his father and friends were sadistically sexually abusive to me. Between the ages of 4- 9, my sadistic narcissistic step-father and his father at first forced me to have sex with them and other men in my step-father’s bedroom. It also included sodomy, oral sex and beatings with a belt or antenna between my legs and being tied or held down and erotic asphyxiation.

Then, when it moved into the garage it was usually one or the other and just two other family members. But, included rape, crawling things, objects, erotic asphyxiation, fisting, beatings, sodomy, oral sex, genital beatings, popsicles and ice. All occurring while being tied down for hours and with no clothing. At six years old, I remember my step-father putting a knife up to my neck and reminding me that he could kill me whenever he wanted to and no one would know or care. He continued the verbal abuse, humiliation and subtle sexual abuse until he moved out when I was 21. (There is some evidence that points to a "cult-like" involvement with the sexual abuse and the number of unknown men.)

My mother, who wouldn’t get out of the abusive relationship used to constantly warn me to “watch what I do and say because he could kill me.” She was also extremely emotional volitile and verbally and physically abusive. I was 23 the last time that she slugged me. Because of the things that she said to me, I grew up thinking that I was evil and deserved to die. There is also evidence that she probably left me home alone as an infant to party.

My therapist and I both know that it is God's miracle that I am still here today because I should have killed myself by now. My therapist and I both know that it is God's miracle that I am still here today because I should have killed myself by now. I am trying to come to terms with my abuse and feel feelings that I did not feel then, but to me God held my tears for me.

In the Bible, it says, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book" (Psalm 56:8). It feels like He is giving them back to me and I don't want to hold them. Anyway, either, He has a very huge bottle or a case for me. Thanks for reading a part of my life. Take care of yourself! (added 5.29.08; rev 9.25.08)

Monday, October 13, 2008

Time Out For...

I am having outpatient surgery Wednesday under general anesthesia to remove what is believed to be a lipoma which is benign, but there is a very slight chance that it will be something that is malignant. They won’t know until it is taken out and tested.

According to the MayoClinc website, “a lipoma is a slow-growing, fatty tumor situated between your skin and the underlying muscle layer. Often a lipoma is easy to identify because it moves readily with slight finger pressure. It's doughy to touch and usually not tender. You could have several that persist for years. Lipomas can occur at any age, but they're most often detected in middle age.”

Did they say middle age? I am not middle age…wait how old is that…oh, maybe I am. I digress and I warned you remember! The tumor is a bit large and deep, so it may be involved in my nerves and vascular system. It could take 15 minutes to a little over an hour. I like my surgeon and my physician of 18 years will be the admitting physician at the hospital where I have had four of my six surgeries which were mostly sinus related. So, I’m feeling good about who and the place.

I am feeling strangely peaceful about this which is not my normal style. I have been feeling this way since I saw the surgeon. I know some has to do with my faith in God, my husband and my support system. Also, that it most likely just needs to be removed. I’m not sure when I’ll be posting again it depends on how I recover and stop needing pain medications. If I’m up to it, I may read and post comments for which I am not responsible for anything I say due to the narcotic prescribed medications.

I will be back soon with a little less fat under my arm. :-)