Courageous Steps: Fingerpainting ~ June 15, 2005

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My Truth ~ My Childhood

From what I've been able to piece together, I stopped crying as an infant because I would get smothered, hit or pinched. My mother has an untreated borderline personality disorder and was physically and verbally abusive. My father, who was narcissistic, slowly drifted out of my life and was verbally and physically abusive to my mother and I. They divorced when I was 3 or 4.

At about 4-5 years old my mother got involved with a man who would become my step-father. He and his father and friends were sadistically sexually abusive to me. Between the ages of 4- 9, my sadistic narcissistic step-father and his father at first forced me to have sex with them and other men in my step-father’s bedroom. It also included sodomy, oral sex and beatings with a belt or antenna between my legs and being tied or held down and erotic asphyxiation.

Then, when it moved into the garage it was usually one or the other and just two other family members. But, included rape, crawling things, objects, erotic asphyxiation, fisting, beatings, sodomy, oral sex, genital beatings, popsicles and ice. All occurring while being tied down for hours and with no clothing. At six years old, I remember my step-father putting a knife up to my neck and reminding me that he could kill me whenever he wanted to and no one would know or care. He continued the verbal abuse, humiliation and subtle sexual abuse until he moved out when I was 21. (There is some evidence that points to a "cult-like" involvement with the sexual abuse and the number of unknown men.)

My mother, who wouldn’t get out of the abusive relationship used to constantly warn me to “watch what I do and say because he could kill me.” She was also extremely emotional volitile and verbally and physically abusive. I was 23 the last time that she slugged me. Because of the things that she said to me, I grew up thinking that I was evil and deserved to die. There is also evidence that she probably left me home alone as an infant to party.

My therapist and I both know that it is God's miracle that I am still here today because I should have killed myself by now. My therapist and I both know that it is God's miracle that I am still here today because I should have killed myself by now. I am trying to come to terms with my abuse and feel feelings that I did not feel then, but to me God held my tears for me.

In the Bible, it says, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book" (Psalm 56:8). It feels like He is giving them back to me and I don't want to hold them. Anyway, either, He has a very huge bottle or a case for me. Thanks for reading a part of my life. Take care of yourself! (added 5.29.08; rev 9.25.08)

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Fingerpainting ~ June 15, 2005

These were originally painted on June 15, 2005 and published on Clinically Clueless entry Entry: June 15, 2005 ~ 10:00 pm with the corresponding journal entry posted on June 2, 2008.

(What looks to be yellow is actually orange. Only red, blue, purple and orange are used in this painting)

(The color on the left top side is red and the bottom orange is streaked with red)

5 comments:

Hopefulsl said...: Hello stranger!
Sorry it's been so long that i have dropped in to see whats going on in your world........WOW, i see a lot has been happening and i am glad that you are recovering from your ordeal o.k. Sorry that you had to go through that, but now that it is taken care of you can move on with your life :)
As for me, i am doing o.k i have started a new job so i do not have as much time to be on the computer like i use too....Anyway, glad to see that you are doing fine, and i plan on coming back to read some of your articles that you have done!
Hugs & Blessings Sent Your Way>>>>>
Love,Stacy; October 30, 2008 at 7:14 AM
Clueless said...: @hopefuls. Thanks. I know things have been rough for you and I've been kinda out of it.; October 30, 2008 at 6:11 PM
transanima said...: these are fantastic !!!; November 6, 2008 at 1:01 AM
transanima said...: This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.; November 6, 2008 at 3:24 AM
Clueless said...: @transanima. Thank you for visiting and for the compliments and warning. How did you find me?

My email is on one of my sidebars, I think or you can go to ClinicallyClueless and it is on the left sidebar to click.

Take care,
CC; November 6, 2008 at 10:02 AM