Courageous Steps: Surgery Update!!

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My Truth ~ My Childhood

From what I've been able to piece together, I stopped crying as an infant because I would get smothered, hit or pinched. My mother has an untreated borderline personality disorder and was physically and verbally abusive. My father, who was narcissistic, slowly drifted out of my life and was verbally and physically abusive to my mother and I. They divorced when I was 3 or 4.

At about 4-5 years old my mother got involved with a man who would become my step-father. He and his father and friends were sadistically sexually abusive to me. Between the ages of 4- 9, my sadistic narcissistic step-father and his father at first forced me to have sex with them and other men in my step-father’s bedroom. It also included sodomy, oral sex and beatings with a belt or antenna between my legs and being tied or held down and erotic asphyxiation.

Then, when it moved into the garage it was usually one or the other and just two other family members. But, included rape, crawling things, objects, erotic asphyxiation, fisting, beatings, sodomy, oral sex, genital beatings, popsicles and ice. All occurring while being tied down for hours and with no clothing. At six years old, I remember my step-father putting a knife up to my neck and reminding me that he could kill me whenever he wanted to and no one would know or care. He continued the verbal abuse, humiliation and subtle sexual abuse until he moved out when I was 21. (There is some evidence that points to a "cult-like" involvement with the sexual abuse and the number of unknown men.)

My mother, who wouldn’t get out of the abusive relationship used to constantly warn me to “watch what I do and say because he could kill me.” She was also extremely emotional volitile and verbally and physically abusive. I was 23 the last time that she slugged me. Because of the things that she said to me, I grew up thinking that I was evil and deserved to die. There is also evidence that she probably left me home alone as an infant to party.

My therapist and I both know that it is God's miracle that I am still here today because I should have killed myself by now. My therapist and I both know that it is God's miracle that I am still here today because I should have killed myself by now. I am trying to come to terms with my abuse and feel feelings that I did not feel then, but to me God held my tears for me.

In the Bible, it says, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book" (Psalm 56:8). It feels like He is giving them back to me and I don't want to hold them. Anyway, either, He has a very huge bottle or a case for me. Thanks for reading a part of my life. Take care of yourself! (added 5.29.08; rev 9.25.08)

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Surgery Update!!

I have been very peaceful throughout the process since I met the surgeon. Unusually, so. My Christian faith has a big roll in it, but I know it is also what you guys did. I really felt good to have so many people thinking about me.

The surgery went smoothly and the tumor was a lipoma which is a benign fatty tissue mass. Pain yes…Vicodin good, but last dose was on Friday. So a bit more pain, but tolerable. The most difficult part is that I am allergic to bandage adhesive, even the paper type. So, all around the perimeter of my underarm is this horrible redness with small blisters that opened and it itches like crazy!! I’ve never had such a bad reaction. It looks worse than the incision. I guess, the underarm skin is much more sensitive than the rest of the body, duh!!

My husband stayed home from Wednesday (surgery) through Friday, so today is the first day I’m at home alone. I let my husband pamper me. Surgery and my husband being home was a good distraction from my therapist being gone. I really miss him and that is normal and not bad. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and then my therapist on Wednesday.

Over the weekend, I had my hair cut while I almost fell asleep due to medications. I’m not sure I like my haircut. I like it, but I keep wondering if I look like a boy. It is one of those boy-chic for girls look. My husband thinks I look cute with it…but he is biased!!

Other exciting things, I won flowers at the GO! Smell the Flowers site for my words of inspiration about the world heading into a recession. In case, you missed it I am a guest writer there and having a great time. So far, I’ve written two articles, one is GO! Step Outside Your Comfort Zone and the second is GO! Ask for Support . I’ll start writing at least one time per week beginning Wednesday. Please take a look because you will see a different side of me. Plus, it is a really, really good site, but you just have to jump in with your comments.