Courageous Steps: Fingerpainting ~ June 2, 2005

Welcome! Please read this before looking around. Thank you.

GO TO MAIN BLOG BY CLICKING HERE

Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions/images of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.

All images and content are Copyright © to ClinicallyClueless/CourageousSteps. All rights to the images and all content on this site and on all ClinicallyClueless/CourageousSteps materials belong exclusively to the artist/author. No use of any content, commercial or non-commercial is permitted without written consent from the author and artist.

My Truth ~ My Childhood

From what I've been able to piece together, I stopped crying as an infant because I would get smothered, hit or pinched. My mother has an untreated borderline personality disorder and was physically and verbally abusive. My father, who was narcissistic, slowly drifted out of my life and was verbally and physically abusive to my mother and I. They divorced when I was 3 or 4.

At about 4-5 years old my mother got involved with a man who would become my step-father. He and his father and friends were sadistically sexually abusive to me. Between the ages of 4- 9, my sadistic narcissistic step-father and his father at first forced me to have sex with them and other men in my step-father’s bedroom. It also included sodomy, oral sex and beatings with a belt or antenna between my legs and being tied or held down and erotic asphyxiation.

Then, when it moved into the garage it was usually one or the other and just two other family members. But, included rape, crawling things, objects, erotic asphyxiation, fisting, beatings, sodomy, oral sex, genital beatings, popsicles and ice. All occurring while being tied down for hours and with no clothing. At six years old, I remember my step-father putting a knife up to my neck and reminding me that he could kill me whenever he wanted to and no one would know or care. He continued the verbal abuse, humiliation and subtle sexual abuse until he moved out when I was 21. (There is some evidence that points to a "cult-like" involvement with the sexual abuse and the number of unknown men.)

My mother, who wouldn’t get out of the abusive relationship used to constantly warn me to “watch what I do and say because he could kill me.” She was also extremely emotional volitile and verbally and physically abusive. I was 23 the last time that she slugged me. Because of the things that she said to me, I grew up thinking that I was evil and deserved to die. There is also evidence that she probably left me home alone as an infant to party.

My therapist and I both know that it is God's miracle that I am still here today because I should have killed myself by now. My therapist and I both know that it is God's miracle that I am still here today because I should have killed myself by now. I am trying to come to terms with my abuse and feel feelings that I did not feel then, but to me God held my tears for me.

In the Bible, it says, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book" (Psalm 56:8). It feels like He is giving them back to me and I don't want to hold them. Anyway, either, He has a very huge bottle or a case for me. Thanks for reading a part of my life. Take care of yourself! (added 5.29.08; rev 9.25.08)

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Fingerpainting ~ June 2, 2005

On my main blog Clinically Clueless, I had begun to share my fingerpaintings and I decided to post all of them on this blog Courageous Steps. If you want to see the cooresponding post for these paintings, go to this link to view the post entitled, Entry: June 2, 2005 ~ 6:30 pm, before session.

(Picture #1 ~ I know that the purple means fear, red means pain and blue is sadness. Too me there is a swirling amount of terror that radiates out with underlying pain that burst through the terror and behind it is sadness. I think the movement of the piece is anger. I don't know what it meant then, but it is what I see now.)

(Again, same color meanings and the bright blue on the left side is actually a deep purple. I think more of the same lots of moving fear, pain and sadness. I think the pastels are tears.)

6 comments:

Anonymous said...: hello Ii was just having a late night wander before I go to bed, I saw the wordles on the side and noticed I put your brightness on a black backgroundyou shine through the darkness, where as the wordles you do what has been said to you & done to you are the darker things so you are the lightness there. Very thought provoking I thought, you carry a torch, you are the shining light & you are finding your way & providing light to others, thank you for that.

I love your paintings too, sorry to gatecrash on your post but wanted to post my observation.; September 18, 2008 at 3:05 PM
Clueless said...: Hi mini,

I like your observations regarding light and dark. Thank you. And you are welcome to crash anytime. You might be my first official comment on this site.

take care,
Courageous; September 18, 2008 at 3:15 PM
Anonymous said...: How great & how fitting to see you sign as courageous, if I am the first I am truly honoured!
Take care of you; September 19, 2008 at 1:08 AM
Clueless said...: I only sign "Courageous" to you. I'd change my name, but I'm known too much as CC or Clueless that it would cause too much confusion...no one would know who I am, but this blog was inspired by you.

Sorry, but I was wrong, you were not the first comment. However, I look at you as the first comment because this is the first comment on something that I wrote.

take care,
Courageous; September 19, 2008 at 2:11 AM
Anonymous said...: I can live with not being first - unless you are giving out medals on a podium! Clinically clued up? I am trying to make CC more fitting for you, you are so NOT clueless whenever I see you sign as that I think NO WAY! I know it wont be as easy for you to see, I love your fingerpaintings, you actually inspired me to buy a sketh book & some pencils, I have drawn a picture of a jigsaw & the layout of our 2nd house, trying to put things in their place, sory I am going on - should probably write on my own blog!; September 19, 2008 at 11:09 AM
Clueless said...: Yes, I get the Clueless thing, but it is an endearing affectionate thing that my therapist and I say...And, the last few week, in session, I have been clueless.

I would love to see you start a blog. I'd love to see your art work. Art therapy taps into a part of us that is totally different.

Oh, I still consider you first. And, I'll figure out some award.

take care,
Courageous; September 19, 2008 at 11:49 AM