Entry: March 27, 1993, Emptiness...and Finally Hope

"Emptiness...and Finally Hope"

Emptiness I wish I could conceal
That this is what I really feel

Aloneness that seems to never end
I find no comfort even in a friend

Emptiness that makes me want to disappear
And feeling so much fear

Aching that feels like I'm gonna die
Sometimes now, I simply just cry

Tears of panic, rage and pain
Still, so much unexplainable shame

Feeling that deep down I'm bad
And also feeling so extremely sad

As a child feeling all alone
Especially when everyone WAS at home

Needing so much to talk
Instead, I took raging drives or lonely walks

Needing someone to listen and understand
Instead, I'd run and now I really want to stand

So hard to simply just sit
Somehow, I'm afraid of getting hit

Abandonment is such an overwhelming fear
I'm so afraid to let anyone near

Isolation has become a familiar friend
A sure way for my life to end

Alone rocking in a corner being numb
At times, even chewing on my thumb

Now, it is time to walk
And I want to talk

Anxiety the pressure on my chest
Sometimes, I just want to rest

Again, restful sleep does not come easily
Unknown nightmare are coming too readily

Memories again filling my head
Not as often do I wish I were dead

Kelly's world of pain
Triggered memories of my own shame

The temptation to control my weight
It is my body that I hate

Laxatives and diet pills
Is a way for me to kill

Killing the feelings that threaten to come up
One of my ways used to be throwing up

Starving a way to control
Lord, help me to continue to let go

I know that this really isn't my true struggle
And it is the killing of my feelings that gets me into trouble

Burning, bruising and cutting are no longer comforting friends
The strong temptation I want to end

Able to bring some of this to the Cross
Brings feelings of great loss

Nothing really left to gain
In my world of self-inflicted pain

Although the temptations are still there
I'm learning to turn to those who care

Panic comes again and again
I know others want me to win

Out of control is how I feel
But, I am becoming real

Learning more to safely cope
Especially from the Father who has given me tremendous hope

In You, I'm learning to be a daughter
As I allow You to Father

You've lifted me from so much hopelessness
Especially as I've allowed You to be the "Father of the Fatherless"

Extremely shaky inside
Yet, learing to stand with You by my side

At times, feeling really terrified
In my healing, I want the Lord to be glorified

My feelings I discover
As I allow You to uncover

Through all the feelings including pain
Intimacy with You is what I continue to gain

Bringing my little girl to Jesus' arms
There I'm learning to trust that there is never any harm

I your arms, safe and secure
I know this is part of Your "cure"

In Your presence, I've found peace and calm
And the figt of Your healing soothing balm

So much healing already ocmpleted
Reminds me of Your promises I need repeated

Your Word says, "I will not forget you."
Claiming this is what I need to continually do

So many blessings on my life You've poured
Seeing You glorified is such a tremendous reward

The emptiness only You can fill
I need to continue to exercise my will

When I want to disappear
It's Your voice I need to hear

Lord, I'm so full of fear
Continue to draw me near

Nothing really left to hold
But, Jesus no matter how old.