Courageous Steps: Entry: December 1, 1991, "Giving Up"

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My Truth ~ My Childhood

From what I've been able to piece together, I stopped crying as an infant because I would get smothered, hit or pinched. My mother has an untreated borderline personality disorder and was physically and verbally abusive. My father, who was narcissistic, slowly drifted out of my life and was verbally and physically abusive to my mother and I. They divorced when I was 3 or 4.

At about 4-5 years old my mother got involved with a man who would become my step-father. He and his father and friends were sadistically sexually abusive to me. Between the ages of 4- 9, my sadistic narcissistic step-father and his father at first forced me to have sex with them and other men in my step-father’s bedroom. It also included sodomy, oral sex and beatings with a belt or antenna between my legs and being tied or held down and erotic asphyxiation.

Then, when it moved into the garage it was usually one or the other and just two other family members. But, included rape, crawling things, objects, erotic asphyxiation, fisting, beatings, sodomy, oral sex, genital beatings, popsicles and ice. All occurring while being tied down for hours and with no clothing. At six years old, I remember my step-father putting a knife up to my neck and reminding me that he could kill me whenever he wanted to and no one would know or care. He continued the verbal abuse, humiliation and subtle sexual abuse until he moved out when I was 21. (There is some evidence that points to a "cult-like" involvement with the sexual abuse and the number of unknown men.)

My mother, who wouldn’t get out of the abusive relationship used to constantly warn me to “watch what I do and say because he could kill me.” She was also extremely emotional volitile and verbally and physically abusive. I was 23 the last time that she slugged me. Because of the things that she said to me, I grew up thinking that I was evil and deserved to die. There is also evidence that she probably left me home alone as an infant to party.

My therapist and I both know that it is God's miracle that I am still here today because I should have killed myself by now. My therapist and I both know that it is God's miracle that I am still here today because I should have killed myself by now. I am trying to come to terms with my abuse and feel feelings that I did not feel then, but to me God held my tears for me.

In the Bible, it says, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book" (Psalm 56:8). It feels like He is giving them back to me and I don't want to hold them. Anyway, either, He has a very huge bottle or a case for me. Thanks for reading a part of my life. Take care of yourself! (added 5.29.08; rev 9.25.08)

Monday, September 8, 2008

Entry: December 1, 1991, "Giving Up"

Giving Up

If I had a gun, I'd put it to my head
I'd pull the trigger and I'd be dead

Lately, I wish I could die,
But, I know that it is just a lie

I think of dying in my car
But, I've come too far

To throw it all away
I hurt so much is what I need to really say

Healing seems so far away
I'd like to die today

Loneliness and emptiness--there seems to be no relief
God is always there is my belief

Lately, I'd rather die
Then, continue to fight this lie

Does anyone...Do I really understand
How much I need a helping hand

I think I hide so very well
It is hard for others to tell

My dark empty corner seems so safe and secure
Yet, I know reaching out is part of the cure

Sometimes, I don't know why I cry
When tears come, I don't want to continue to try

Feel like giving up
Feels like I've had enough

Lord, I really do need You to hold me
Your love and grace is what I want to see

I'm afraid You won't be near
When I really need You here

I want to rest in Your arms
But, I'm so afraid of harm

I know it is only Your grace
That has safely brought me to this place

I want to allow Your love in
But, sometimes I don't feel like I fit in

I know You understand
And, You have a better plan

I feel so hopeless right now
I need You to show me how

To connect with You and others is my struggle
Help me to stay out of trouble

Focusing on You is what I really need to do
But, thoughts of death fill my head too

I feel so empty inside
Will You please walk by my side

I need Your help to move
I forget that I don't need to prove

That I have it all together
(This does not even matter)

Admitting my deep need for You
Is something I seldom do

I need You to hold me
This is where I need to be

Inside I feel so very sick
I know I need to take a risk

I don't want to continue to hide
I want to stay by Your side

I know that You care
Especially when I despair

Cutting gives release
When I really need your peace

To You I want to turn
Especially, when I'd rather burn

It's You I want to choose
Even when I want to bruise

I wish I had no scars
I thank You for healing me this far

Continue to hold me tight
Even when I try to fight

Increase a desire to live
I want to be able to give

I love You so much
Even when I want to give up