Courageous Steps: "Pain of a Child Is Unheard"

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My Truth ~ My Childhood

From what I've been able to piece together, I stopped crying as an infant because I would get smothered, hit or pinched. My mother has an untreated borderline personality disorder and was physically and verbally abusive. My father, who was narcissistic, slowly drifted out of my life and was verbally and physically abusive to my mother and I. They divorced when I was 3 or 4.

At about 4-5 years old my mother got involved with a man who would become my step-father. He and his father and friends were sadistically sexually abusive to me. Between the ages of 4- 9, my sadistic narcissistic step-father and his father at first forced me to have sex with them and other men in my step-father’s bedroom. It also included sodomy, oral sex and beatings with a belt or antenna between my legs and being tied or held down and erotic asphyxiation.

Then, when it moved into the garage it was usually one or the other and just two other family members. But, included rape, crawling things, objects, erotic asphyxiation, fisting, beatings, sodomy, oral sex, genital beatings, popsicles and ice. All occurring while being tied down for hours and with no clothing. At six years old, I remember my step-father putting a knife up to my neck and reminding me that he could kill me whenever he wanted to and no one would know or care. He continued the verbal abuse, humiliation and subtle sexual abuse until he moved out when I was 21. (There is some evidence that points to a "cult-like" involvement with the sexual abuse and the number of unknown men.)

My mother, who wouldn’t get out of the abusive relationship used to constantly warn me to “watch what I do and say because he could kill me.” She was also extremely emotional volitile and verbally and physically abusive. I was 23 the last time that she slugged me. Because of the things that she said to me, I grew up thinking that I was evil and deserved to die. There is also evidence that she probably left me home alone as an infant to party.

My therapist and I both know that it is God's miracle that I am still here today because I should have killed myself by now. My therapist and I both know that it is God's miracle that I am still here today because I should have killed myself by now. I am trying to come to terms with my abuse and feel feelings that I did not feel then, but to me God held my tears for me.

In the Bible, it says, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book" (Psalm 56:8). It feels like He is giving them back to me and I don't want to hold them. Anyway, either, He has a very huge bottle or a case for me. Thanks for reading a part of my life. Take care of yourself! (added 5.29.08; rev 9.25.08)

Monday, December 1, 2008

"Pain of a Child Is Unheard"

Pain of a Child Is Unheard

Feelings held back from long ago
Pains through my heart like an arrow

Pretending was the key
That everything was okay with me

So much so, that I thought, I believed the lie
But, why did I always want to die

I was so young when I first became depressed
Too many major episodes I have to confess

Dissociation and numbness day by day
Conceding that it was never going to be my way

Confusion spins round and round
Hoping one day that I would be found

Wanting so much to be heard
Instead my words became awkward

Staying silent was the way for me
Deep inside to be heard was my plea

To feel such anguish from so many years
Yet, I still find it hard to find my tears

Felt overwhelmed, confusion, sadness, panic, & depression
My coping tools were repression and suppression

Defenses all tangled worked quite well
Until it came time for me to tell

Not wanting to admit that I wanted to be wanted
Yet, a deep longing to feel safe and be comforted

Feeling things now is so intense and painful
But, at least, now I am being truthful

Hurts so much that I want to die
But, it is something I don’t think I would try

The pain takes over my whole body
From my hair to my toes, I feel achy

Emptiness envelops my whole being
Makes reality hard to keep seeing

Next comes feeling hollow
Terrified that it will swallow

Then, comes the feeling that “I don’t exist”
I’m terrified that I will get missed

Lord, I know you brought me to this place
My feelings and thoughts I have to face

I just want to crawl into a corner and die
But, I know that I also want to continue to try

For healing is really what I seek
Which means the truth I have to speak

This means that I need to be me
It sounds so simple, but I just need to be

6 comments:

Catatonic Kid said...: *Hugs* I know that need - to just be - only too well. I hope you get some moments of it soon. Even if it's only fleeting it does a lot of good because not much else can heal the sort of pain you've endured.; December 1, 2008 at 2:26 AM
Clueless said...: CK,

The truth you speak. (In Yoda voice). Thank you.
*hugs*; December 1, 2008 at 4:28 AM
Anonymous said...: I know that feeling too. Recently I did something that I'm ashamed of. I though I was past self harm. But, unfortunately I became extremely overwhelmed again. My abuser actually came to my house. A few days ago, I cut myself. With blood streaming down my head, I really scared myself that I would do that. Nothing like that has happened for a long time. I really do need this blogging community for support. I'm not giving up. I am o.k. and I will get better. I want to be here for others struggling too.

Take care,
Faith; December 4, 2008 at 9:49 AM
mile191 said...: i thank you for leading me to your place of healing. i will continue to read, you have quite a journey. you are not alone. i love this poem..and the part, thank you lord, for leading me...it said something along that. i liked that, the faith, you believe. that is nice. i hope you will not mind me reading.
♥ i am sorry for what you went through.; December 4, 2008 at 11:35 AM
Clueless said...: @Oh, Faith what a traumatic experience. We need you here too.

@mile 191. Thank you.

Do both of you realize that ClinicallyClueless is the "real blog?" Almost everything here is published on Clueless first.; December 4, 2008 at 6:20 PM
SHOOBIE HUNTER said...: I TOO WENT THOUGH A HORRIBLE LIFE OF ABUSE FROM BIRTH..UNTIL ALMOST THE AGE OF 40..I AM FREE OF MOST OF IT NOW...IT IS HARD WORK TO FACE WHAT WAS...ALL I CAN SAY IT IS WORTH IT...PEACE LOVE AND LIGHT IS AWAITING YOU...KEEP ON WRITING PAINTING AND WHAT EVER ELSE YOU NEED TO DO TO GET THOUGH....MUCH LOVE; December 18, 2008 at 5:20 AM