Courageous Steps: "Mary, Did You Know?" ~ Kenny Rogers & Wynonna Judd

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My Truth ~ My Childhood

From what I've been able to piece together, I stopped crying as an infant because I would get smothered, hit or pinched. My mother has an untreated borderline personality disorder and was physically and verbally abusive. My father, who was narcissistic, slowly drifted out of my life and was verbally and physically abusive to my mother and I. They divorced when I was 3 or 4.

At about 4-5 years old my mother got involved with a man who would become my step-father. He and his father and friends were sadistically sexually abusive to me. Between the ages of 4- 9, my sadistic narcissistic step-father and his father at first forced me to have sex with them and other men in my step-father’s bedroom. It also included sodomy, oral sex and beatings with a belt or antenna between my legs and being tied or held down and erotic asphyxiation.

Then, when it moved into the garage it was usually one or the other and just two other family members. But, included rape, crawling things, objects, erotic asphyxiation, fisting, beatings, sodomy, oral sex, genital beatings, popsicles and ice. All occurring while being tied down for hours and with no clothing. At six years old, I remember my step-father putting a knife up to my neck and reminding me that he could kill me whenever he wanted to and no one would know or care. He continued the verbal abuse, humiliation and subtle sexual abuse until he moved out when I was 21. (There is some evidence that points to a "cult-like" involvement with the sexual abuse and the number of unknown men.)

My mother, who wouldn’t get out of the abusive relationship used to constantly warn me to “watch what I do and say because he could kill me.” She was also extremely emotional volitile and verbally and physically abusive. I was 23 the last time that she slugged me. Because of the things that she said to me, I grew up thinking that I was evil and deserved to die. There is also evidence that she probably left me home alone as an infant to party.

My therapist and I both know that it is God's miracle that I am still here today because I should have killed myself by now. My therapist and I both know that it is God's miracle that I am still here today because I should have killed myself by now. I am trying to come to terms with my abuse and feel feelings that I did not feel then, but to me God held my tears for me.

In the Bible, it says, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book" (Psalm 56:8). It feels like He is giving them back to me and I don't want to hold them. Anyway, either, He has a very huge bottle or a case for me. Thanks for reading a part of my life. Take care of yourself! (added 5.29.08; rev 9.25.08)

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

"Mary, Did You Know?" ~ Kenny Rogers & Wynonna Judd

It isn't Christmas time if I don't hear Kenny Rogers singing this song. I hope you enjoy it too.

Mary,Did You Know?

Mary, did you know
that your baby boy will one day walk on water?

Mary, did you know
that your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?

Did you know,
that your baby boy has come to make you new?
This child that you've delivered,
will soon deliver you.

Mary, did you know
that your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?

Mary, did you know
your baby boy will calm a storm with his hand?
Did you know,
that your baby boy has walked where angels trod?
When you kiss your little baby,
you've kissed the face of God.

The blind will see
The deaf will hear
The dead will live again.
The lame will leap
The dumb will speak
The praises of The Lamb.

Mary, did you know
that your baby boy is Lord of all creation?

Mary, did you know
that your baby boy will one day rule the nations?

Did you know,
that your baby boy is heaven's perfect lamb?
This sleeping child you're holding, is the great I AM.