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GO TO MAIN BLOG BY CLICKING HERE Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions/images of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.
I have worked in the mental health field more than 20 years and have been in psychotherapy for more than 20 years (including a five year break) with the same therapist. I currently have the diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder (recurrent, moderate), Chronic Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Eating Disorder NOS, and Dissociative Disorder NOS due memories that were repressed for more than 35 years which include neglect, physical, emotional and sexual abuse. I've also struggled with self-injury, suicidal ideation and issues with my body/weight since I can remember.
My first memory of having a suicidal thought was when I was two. I've been a Christian since 1981, which has saved my life. My journey has led me to this anonymous place where I can tell the truth about my life via journal entries from the past. I will also include information regarding my diagnosis and behavior that I struggle with day to day. I hope that it will be helpful to you as it is to me. (blog started 5.8.08)
I also have a special interests in developmental disabilities, mental health,the elderly and GLBT issues.
From what I've been able to piece together, I stopped crying as an infant because I would get smothered, hit or pinched. My mother has an untreated borderline personality disorder and was physically and verbally abusive. My father, who was narcissistic, slowly drifted out of my life and was verbally and physically abusive to my mother and I. They divorced when I was 3 or 4.
At about 4-5 years old my mother got involved with a man who would become my step-father. He and his father and friends were sadistically sexually abusive to me. Between the ages of 4- 9, my sadistic narcissistic step-father and his father at first forced me to have sex with them and other men in my step-father’s bedroom. It also included sodomy, oral sex and beatings with a belt or antenna between my legs and being tied or held down and erotic asphyxiation.
Then, when it moved into the garage it was usually one or the other and just two other family members. But, included rape, crawling things, objects, erotic asphyxiation, fisting, beatings, sodomy, oral sex, genital beatings, popsicles and ice. All occurring while being tied down for hours and with no clothing. At six years old, I remember my step-father putting a knife up to my neck and reminding me that he could kill me whenever he wanted to and no one would know or care. He continued the verbal abuse, humiliation and subtle sexual abuse until he moved out when I was 21. (There is some evidence that points to a "cult-like" involvement with the sexual abuse and the number of unknown men.)
My mother, who wouldn’t get out of the abusive relationship used to constantly warn me to “watch what I do and say because he could kill me.” She was also extremely emotional volitile and verbally and physically abusive. I was 23 the last time that she slugged me. Because of the things that she said to me, I grew up thinking that I was evil and deserved to die. There is also evidence that she probably left me home alone as an infant to party.
My therapist and I both know that it is God's miracle that I am still here today because I should have killed myself by now. My therapist and I both know that it is God's miracle that I am still here today because I should have killed myself by now. I am trying to come to terms with my abuse and feel feelings that I did not feel then, but to me God held my tears for me.
In the Bible, it says, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book" (Psalm 56:8). It feels like He is giving them back to me and I don't want to hold them. Anyway, either, He has a very huge bottle or a case for me. Thanks for reading a part of my life. Take care of yourself! (added 5.29.08; rev 9.25.08)
Thank you Aaron. On December 3rd, he dedicated this photo to CC!! That was really sweet and brightened my day. I'm glad that there was not spider to be seen, just the beautiful web. I've never seen anything like this before. It is entitled, "experience pearls," which I love.
Webs are so strong and amazing, but can be quite delicate. I look at this picture and besides just the beauty of it, I think look at all the weight from the water, yet, it does not break. That is kind of how I feel sometimes. I can see and feel the weight of my experiences, yet, I do not break or become destroyed. Eventually, only "experience pearls," will be left. Thank you again Aaron for your thoughtfulness and artistry!!
Of course, my favorite Christmas show is left for today. Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts, being a Christian he fought to keep this part of the script on air. Obviously, the network was concerned. However, they did not need to be and there is a clause in the contract that it can never be edited out.
Luke 2:9-14 (New American Standard Bible)
And an angel of the Lord suddenly stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them; and they were terribly frightened. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. "This will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger." And suddenly there appeared with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, And on earth peace among men with whom He is pleased."
It isn't Christmas time if I don't hear Kenny Rogers singing this song. I hope you enjoy it too.
Mary,Did You Know?
Mary, did you know that your baby boy will one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know that your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?
Did you know, that your baby boy has come to make you new? This child that you've delivered, will soon deliver you.
Mary, did you know that your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know your baby boy will calm a storm with his hand? Did you know, that your baby boy has walked where angels trod? When you kiss your little baby, you've kissed the face of God.
The blind will see The deaf will hear The dead will live again. The lame will leap The dumb will speak The praises of The Lamb.
Mary, did you know that your baby boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know that your baby boy will one day rule the nations?
Did you know, that your baby boy is heaven's perfect lamb? This sleeping child you're holding, is the great I AM.
Merry Christmas!!! Now, I kwno that wasn't politically correct and I hope I didn't offend anyone. But, sometimes especially during Christmas I feel that I need to hide that I am a Christian. For me, Merry Christmas is the proper greeting. It isn't that I don't respect or want to hear about other religions, but this is one of the two most important days of the year for a Christian. The second being Easter.
Although the video speaks to my heart as a Christian, most of it can fit all beliefs as it has the words, "plant seeds of love...lend a helping hand...keep an eye out for even the smallest chance to help someone..." That is the challenge to have this type of spirit year round or even during the holiday when we are all soooo busy. The background song is "My Desire" by Jeremy Camp.
My Desire ~ Jeremy Camp
You want to be real, you want to be empty inside You want to be someone laying down your pride You want to be someone someday Then lay it all down before the king
You want to be whole, you want to have purpose inside You want to have virtue and purify your mind
You want to be set free today Then lay it all down before the king
This is my desire, this is my return This is my desire to be used by you
You want to be real,you want to be empty inside And I know my heart is to feel you near And I know my life It's to do your will It's to do your will
All my life I have seen Where you've take me Beyond all I have hoped And there's more left unseen
There's not much I can do to repay all you've done So I give my hands to use
Steven Curtis Chapman, successful Contemporary Christian artist, supports adoption, so much that he adopted three children. Please keep him and his family in prayer this season as this year his eldest son accidently backed the family van into their adopted daughter and she passed away. I imagine that this would be a very difficult season for the whole family.
All I really Want for Christmas ~ Steven Curtis Chapman (2005 Sparrow Records, EMI CMG)
Well, I don't know if you remember me or not I'm one of the kids they brought in from the home I was the red-haired boy in an old, green flannel shirt You may not have seen me, I was standing off alone
I didn't come and talk to you 'cause that's never worked before And you'll probably never see this letter, anyway But just in case there's something you can do to help me out I'll ask you one more time
All I really want for Christmas is someone to tuck me in A shoulder to cry on if I lose, shoulders to ride on if I win There's so much I could ask for, but there's just one thing I need All I really want for Christmas is a family
Well, I guess I should go ahead and tell you now If it's really true about that list you have Somehow I always seem to end up in a fight But I'm really trying hard not to be bad
But maybe if I had a brother or a dad to wrestle with Maybe they could teach me how to get along And from everything I've heard, it sounds like the greatest gift on earth Would be a mom
All I want for Christmas is someone who'll be here To sing me happy birthday for the next 100 years And It's okay if they're not perfect or even if they're a little broken That's alright, 'Cause so am I
Well, I guess I should go, it's almost time for bed Maybe next time I write you I'll be at home
`Cause all I really want for Christmas is someone to tuck me in Tell me I'll never be alone, someone whose love will never end Of all that I could ask for, well, there's just one thing I need All I really want for Christmas is a family
I hesitate to put this up, but I realize for some it is helpful because not everyone is able to look at abstract art and find meaning. We are all different and embrace the differences. I would rather you have your own interpretations without any influence from me and share what you think or feel.
