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GO TO MAIN BLOG BY CLICKING HERE Thank you for visiting. Content MAY BE TRIGGERING ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE, STRUGGLE WITH SELF-INJURY, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION OR AN EATING DISORDER. Contains graphic descriptions/images of suicidal thoughts, self-injury and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Do not read further if you are not in a safe place. If you are triggered, please reach out to your support system, a mental health professional or call 911.
I have worked in the mental health field more than 20 years and have been in psychotherapy for more than 20 years (including a five year break) with the same therapist. I currently have the diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder (recurrent, moderate), Chronic Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Eating Disorder NOS, and Dissociative Disorder NOS due memories that were repressed for more than 35 years which include neglect, physical, emotional and sexual abuse. I've also struggled with self-injury, suicidal ideation and issues with my body/weight since I can remember.
My first memory of having a suicidal thought was when I was two. I've been a Christian since 1981, which has saved my life. My journey has led me to this anonymous place where I can tell the truth about my life via journal entries from the past. I will also include information regarding my diagnosis and behavior that I struggle with day to day. I hope that it will be helpful to you as it is to me. (blog started 5.8.08)
I also have a special interests in developmental disabilities, mental health,the elderly and GLBT issues.
From what I've been able to piece together, I stopped crying as an infant because I would get smothered, hit or pinched. My mother has an untreated borderline personality disorder and was physically and verbally abusive. My father, who was narcissistic, slowly drifted out of my life and was verbally and physically abusive to my mother and I. They divorced when I was 3 or 4.
At about 4-5 years old my mother got involved with a man who would become my step-father. He and his father and friends were sadistically sexually abusive to me. Between the ages of 4- 9, my sadistic narcissistic step-father and his father at first forced me to have sex with them and other men in my step-father’s bedroom. It also included sodomy, oral sex and beatings with a belt or antenna between my legs and being tied or held down and erotic asphyxiation.
Then, when it moved into the garage it was usually one or the other and just two other family members. But, included rape, crawling things, objects, erotic asphyxiation, fisting, beatings, sodomy, oral sex, genital beatings, popsicles and ice. All occurring while being tied down for hours and with no clothing. At six years old, I remember my step-father putting a knife up to my neck and reminding me that he could kill me whenever he wanted to and no one would know or care. He continued the verbal abuse, humiliation and subtle sexual abuse until he moved out when I was 21. (There is some evidence that points to a "cult-like" involvement with the sexual abuse and the number of unknown men.)
My mother, who wouldn’t get out of the abusive relationship used to constantly warn me to “watch what I do and say because he could kill me.” She was also extremely emotional volitile and verbally and physically abusive. I was 23 the last time that she slugged me. Because of the things that she said to me, I grew up thinking that I was evil and deserved to die. There is also evidence that she probably left me home alone as an infant to party.
My therapist and I both know that it is God's miracle that I am still here today because I should have killed myself by now. My therapist and I both know that it is God's miracle that I am still here today because I should have killed myself by now. I am trying to come to terms with my abuse and feel feelings that I did not feel then, but to me God held my tears for me.
In the Bible, it says, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book" (Psalm 56:8). It feels like He is giving them back to me and I don't want to hold them. Anyway, either, He has a very huge bottle or a case for me. Thanks for reading a part of my life. Take care of yourself! (added 5.29.08; rev 9.25.08)
For those, who live in other countries you may have had Boxing Day on your news! However, in Southern California the day after Christmas is about shopping and the Pasadena Rose Parade. (Pasadena is about 30 miles NE of LAX). By the day after Christmas, all the grandstands and most of the barriers are in place. And, lots of tourists fill the shops, entertainment venues and restaurants.
The last week is crazy, long days, no sleep, tedious work, cold evenings and days, tons of organic material and thousands of workers and volunteers!!! And, everyone praying it doesn’t rain. Planning for the next year begins on January 2nd, so no rest for the weary.
Having lived in Southern California all my life, I have had wonderful opportunities to be apart of many aspects of the parade. Three evenings a week I had the privilege of watching a float being built from frame to flowers and it was an animated float. The best part was seeing it work on television. I've had the honor of being involved in the Rose Parade in other ways.
I’ve also watched flowers and other organic material being placed. Due to allergies, never participated…bummer. For many years, I viewed the floats the day after the parade which was amazing to see them up close. I highly recommend it!!! The best was when I had the wonderful opportunity of getting up early, using a port-a-potty after a night of thousands celebrating, freezing, drinking warm coffee all bundled up, and having excellent grand stand seats to watch the parade live and in person.
I was much younger when I saw the Rose Parade live. I couldn’t do it now. I wasn’t that excited, until the parade started. To actually see the parade in person was absolutely spectacular. It is something to experience at least once in your life. The floats are amazing, the colors, the size, the animation, the bands, the horses all to view the float for seconds as the parade travels 5 ½ miles over a two hour period. It also must pass under a freeway over pass. This year they have the most number of floats, forty-six. And, they estimate 1.5 million people will line the streets to watch it live.
From the Official Tournament of Roses Website, “On Thursday, January 1, 2009 at 8 a.m. (PST), millions of spectators from around the world will celebrate the New Year with the 120th Rose Parade themed Hats Off To Entertainment. The Rose Parade will once again feature the beautiful pageantry and tradition of magnificent floral floats, high-stepping equestrians and spirited marching bands.” The Grand Marshal for the 2009 Tournament of Roses is Cloris Leachman.
The Rose Parade began in 1890. It started out as a real estate “advertisement” to show the east coast the mild weather…we no longer need advertising! "In New York, people are buried in snow...Here our flowers are blooming and our oranges are about to bear. Let's hold a festival to tell the world about our paradise." If January 1st ever falls on a Sunday, the Rose Parade must be held on the 2nd. That tradition started because the horses outside of the churches along the parade route might be spooked.
“The Rose Parade's elaborate floats have come a long way since the Tournament's early days. Today, float building is a multi-million dollar business. Although a few floats are built solely by volunteers from their sponsoring communities, most are built by professional float building companies.
Float construction begins shortly after the previous year’s Parade is over. The process starts with a specially built chassis, upon which is built a framework of steel and chicken wire. In a process called “cocooning”, the frame is sprayed with a polyvinyl material, which is then painted in the colors of the flowers to be applied later.
Every inch of the float must be covered with flowers or other natural materials, such as leaves, seeds, or bark. Volunteer workers swarm over the floats in the days after Christmas, their hand and clothes covered with glue and petals. The most delicate flowers are placed in individual vials of water, which are set into the float one by one.
Computerized animation has had an enormous impact on Rose Parade floats. Recent Parade floats have featured working roller coasters, a 50-foot replica of the Statue of Liberty, a robotic chef with moving arms, a working water slide and more, all controlled by computers. But through all the changes, the Rose Parade has remained true to its floral beginnings, and each float is decorated with more flowers than the average florist will use in five years."
After every Rose Parade, the floral masterpieces are parked in Pasadena and exhibited for visitors to walk by and see in close detail the design and workmanship that goes into these floats. Visitors are able to walk within a few feet of the floats and appreciate for themselves the creativity and the imagination of the floral displays. Seeing the floats in person is truly amazing.
Pictures and television do not do them justice. And, you don't get the beautiful smell of all the flowers or a sense of variety or detail. (Achoo!!) Remember, everything must be covered by organic materials.
I realize that there is a lot of waste in terms of money and organic materials which they try to recycle as much as possible. However, I overlook that because of the tradition and just how absolutely amazing the Rose Parade has become from being this little real estate venture. What a small idea turned into an inspirational parade.
This is an excerpt from last year’s parade:
More information can be found at the following sites:
I hesitate to put this up, but I realize for some it is helpful because not everyone is able to look at abstract art and find meaning. We are all different and embrace the differences. I would rather you have your own interpretations without any influence from me and share what you think or feel.
1 comment:
I have always wanted to see those flower-clad floats in person. Thanks for sharing the photos. I really liked the old photograph.
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