Courageous Steps: Courage!!!

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My Truth ~ My Childhood

From what I've been able to piece together, I stopped crying as an infant because I would get smothered, hit or pinched. My mother has an untreated borderline personality disorder and was physically and verbally abusive. My father, who was narcissistic, slowly drifted out of my life and was verbally and physically abusive to my mother and I. They divorced when I was 3 or 4.

At about 4-5 years old my mother got involved with a man who would become my step-father. He and his father and friends were sadistically sexually abusive to me. Between the ages of 4- 9, my sadistic narcissistic step-father and his father at first forced me to have sex with them and other men in my step-father’s bedroom. It also included sodomy, oral sex and beatings with a belt or antenna between my legs and being tied or held down and erotic asphyxiation.

Then, when it moved into the garage it was usually one or the other and just two other family members. But, included rape, crawling things, objects, erotic asphyxiation, fisting, beatings, sodomy, oral sex, genital beatings, popsicles and ice. All occurring while being tied down for hours and with no clothing. At six years old, I remember my step-father putting a knife up to my neck and reminding me that he could kill me whenever he wanted to and no one would know or care. He continued the verbal abuse, humiliation and subtle sexual abuse until he moved out when I was 21. (There is some evidence that points to a "cult-like" involvement with the sexual abuse and the number of unknown men.)

My mother, who wouldn’t get out of the abusive relationship used to constantly warn me to “watch what I do and say because he could kill me.” She was also extremely emotional volitile and verbally and physically abusive. I was 23 the last time that she slugged me. Because of the things that she said to me, I grew up thinking that I was evil and deserved to die. There is also evidence that she probably left me home alone as an infant to party.

My therapist and I both know that it is God's miracle that I am still here today because I should have killed myself by now. My therapist and I both know that it is God's miracle that I am still here today because I should have killed myself by now. I am trying to come to terms with my abuse and feel feelings that I did not feel then, but to me God held my tears for me.

In the Bible, it says, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book" (Psalm 56:8). It feels like He is giving them back to me and I don't want to hold them. Anyway, either, He has a very huge bottle or a case for me. Thanks for reading a part of my life. Take care of yourself! (added 5.29.08; rev 9.25.08)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Courage!!!

4 comments:

~✽Mumsy✽~ said...: That is a beautiful video!

I have wandering around your blog for quite a while, and read your entries..I'm not going to say anything, because what I say will not be enough. I'm glad though, that you've survived them all, and LIVE TO TELL.

Thanks for visiting me..; March 3, 2010 at 7:16 AM
Clueless said...: Oh, thank you...I'm assuming Clinically Clueless. I am tenacious about my healing even though sometimes it feels like I want to give up.; March 3, 2010 at 7:40 AM
God Whispers In The Wind said...: I have heard this before. Awesomely beautiful. Thank you Clueless for sharing and also for your recent comment on my blog (Just Be Real). Means a whole lot to me. Blessings.; March 3, 2010 at 3:47 PM
Clueless said...: JBR,

I love this song. I just happened to find it while looking around on YouTube. It is quite powerful to me. I'm glad that my comment touched you.

Blessings,

CC; March 4, 2010 at 3:02 AM