Courageous Steps: April 2009

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My Truth ~ My Childhood

From what I've been able to piece together, I stopped crying as an infant because I would get smothered, hit or pinched. My mother has an untreated borderline personality disorder and was physically and verbally abusive. My father, who was narcissistic, slowly drifted out of my life and was verbally and physically abusive to my mother and I. They divorced when I was 3 or 4.

At about 4-5 years old my mother got involved with a man who would become my step-father. He and his father and friends were sadistically sexually abusive to me. Between the ages of 4- 9, my sadistic narcissistic step-father and his father at first forced me to have sex with them and other men in my step-father’s bedroom. It also included sodomy, oral sex and beatings with a belt or antenna between my legs and being tied or held down and erotic asphyxiation.

Then, when it moved into the garage it was usually one or the other and just two other family members. But, included rape, crawling things, objects, erotic asphyxiation, fisting, beatings, sodomy, oral sex, genital beatings, popsicles and ice. All occurring while being tied down for hours and with no clothing. At six years old, I remember my step-father putting a knife up to my neck and reminding me that he could kill me whenever he wanted to and no one would know or care. He continued the verbal abuse, humiliation and subtle sexual abuse until he moved out when I was 21. (There is some evidence that points to a "cult-like" involvement with the sexual abuse and the number of unknown men.)

My mother, who wouldn’t get out of the abusive relationship used to constantly warn me to “watch what I do and say because he could kill me.” She was also extremely emotional volitile and verbally and physically abusive. I was 23 the last time that she slugged me. Because of the things that she said to me, I grew up thinking that I was evil and deserved to die. There is also evidence that she probably left me home alone as an infant to party.

My therapist and I both know that it is God's miracle that I am still here today because I should have killed myself by now. My therapist and I both know that it is God's miracle that I am still here today because I should have killed myself by now. I am trying to come to terms with my abuse and feel feelings that I did not feel then, but to me God held my tears for me.

In the Bible, it says, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in Your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book" (Psalm 56:8). It feels like He is giving them back to me and I don't want to hold them. Anyway, either, He has a very huge bottle or a case for me. Thanks for reading a part of my life. Take care of yourself! (added 5.29.08; rev 9.25.08)

Monday, April 20, 2009

Still Learning to "BE" ~ Healing Journey

Accepting how scared and angry,
I was at being in the hospital for pneumonia
Is something I could not face.

Flashbacks and nightmares increasing
as the month went by all because

feeling out of control and helpless
it was something I could not embrace.

I’ve already talked enough about it,
the details and even wrote a letter.
But, I continued not to feel emotionally any better.

I lived in fantasy world with everything
twisted, just to survive.
Now, to live there continues to deprive.

This I learned to slowly die as my way of being
To “be” is what I need to do and
fight back the lies I’m slowly seeing.

The lies that tell me “Don’t talk,“
“I’m okay,” “I don’t need anyone” and “I’ll be just fine.”
The constant banter in my head is not benign.

Those and other lies lead to
self-injury and other self-destructive ways
For this therapy sometimes feels like a maze.

Therapy has saved and opened my life to who I really am
Someone that deserved much more than I received
And, too often instead I was betrayed and deceived.

Now, into the Father’s arms I securely belong
In Him and others, I finally find security and comfort
But, learning to do that for myself takes much effort.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

7 Keys to make all your Relationships Richer & more Fulfiling!

Since I've been convalescing, I haven't had the energy to do much writing. This finally gave me the opportunity to share my friend, Arvind Devalia's 7 Keys to make all your Relationships Richer & more Fulfiling! I've provided an excerpt of the article. I've been wanting to share this with you.

Arvind's excellent blog is Make Things Happen: For Yourself and the World. Please go take a look at his blog...it will be worth it.

In the "About Arvind" section it states,

"Arvind brings his infectious passion for life and warmth for people to all his business and personal activities. His motto and message to everyone is “make things happen”.

Having just published his latest book “Personal Social Responsibility” (Sep 2008), Arvind is working with independent professionals, organisations and non-profits to bring a greater sense of ethics and Corporate Social Responsibility into the business world.

He is now also becoming established as a professional speaker and speaks passionately about how individuals and businesses can get what they want from life and at the same make a huge difference in the world.

He actively supports various social enterprises and charities – he has been involved with the Nirvana School in Pondicherry, south India for over 10 years now. "

"I delivered another public talk last week and it felt great to be amongst a group of motivated people making time in their busy lives for personal development. The theme was how to improve all your relationships and make them richer and more fulfilling.

It always amazes me how such evenings take their own shape despite detailed planning – it is almost as if destiny plays a part! As usual I feel that I was the one who learnt more from the evening.

I outlined my 3 Keys to GREAT relationships:-

1. Contribution
2. Connection
3. Completion

A key point that we discussed was how the ONLY thing you can ever give anyone else is your love and ACCEPTANCE.

It is incredible that human beings still believe that they can make someone else love them!

To end my talk, I summarised the key relationship learnings as below as a form of positive affirmations:-

1. I accept people totally and completely as they are and I allow others to be as they are. I know that they are perfect teachers for my journey of acceptance and understanding.

2. I look for opportunities to connect with, contribute and make a difference to another person at least once a day. This is what leads to true connection and fulfilment.

3. I am deeply grateful for all the people in my life who make my life so easy and rich. I show my appreciation at every possible opportunity.

4. I take nothing personally and accept that everyone is on their own journey of growth and learning. I forgive and let of any past grievances.

5. I look for the love and goodness in others for love is all that matters.

6. I bring more joy, happiness and love in my life and other people’s lives.

7. I will practice appreciation & gratitude daily and I promise to learn and improve my gratitude dance!!!

So there you are - go forth and apply these 7 keys in all your relationships and see how your life and your world is transformed. "

Remember to go and take a look at Arvind Devalia's blog Make Things Happen: For Yourself and the World. It will inspire your day !!! (Thanks for letting me steal this from you...it is a gem as you are!)